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Stories :: Do unto others what you would have them do unto you

streetfightWhen you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it
out on someone, don’t take it out on someone you know, take it out on
someone you don’t know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to
make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying, “Hello”. I
politely said, “This is Fred Hanifin. Could I please speak with Robin
Carter?” Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn’t believe that
anyone could be so rude.

I tracked down Robin’s correct number and called her. I had transposed the
last two digits of her phone number.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the ‘wrong’ number again. When
the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, “You’re an a$$hole!” and hung up.
I wrote his number down with the word ‘a$$hole’ next to it, and put it in my
desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really
bad day, I’d call him up and yell, “You’re an a$$hole!” It always cheered me
up.

When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic calling
would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, “Hi, this is John
Smith from the Telephone Company. I’m just calling to see if you’re familiar
with the Caller ID program?” He yelled, “NO!” and slammed the phone down. I
quickly called him back and said, “That’s because you’re an a$$hole!”

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.

Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently
waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot.
The idiot ignored me.

I noticed a “For Sale” sign in his! car window – so, I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first a$$hole, (I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW guy, too.

I said, “Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?”

“Yes, it is.”

“Can you tell me where I can see it?”

“Yes. I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It’s a yellow house, and the car’s
parked right out in front.”

“What’s your name?” I asked.

“My name is Don Hansen,” he said.

“When’s a good time to catch you, Don?”

“I’m home every evening after five.”

“Listen, Don, can I tell you something?”

“Yes?”

“Don, you’re an a$$hole.”

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had
a problem, I had two therapeutic people to call. But after several months of calling
them, it wasn’t as enjoyable as it used to be.

So, I came up with an idea. I called a$$hole #1.

“Hello.”

“You’re an a$$hole!” (But I didn’t hang up).

“Are you still there?” he asked.

“Yeah,” I said.

“Stop calling me,” he screamed.

“Make me,” I said.

“Who are you?” he asked.

“My name is Don Hansen.”

“Yeah? Where do you live?”

“I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my black
Beemer parked in front.”

He said, “I’m coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying
your prayers.”

I said, “Yeah, like I’m really scared.”

Then I called a$$hole #2.

“Hello?” he said.

“Hello, a$$hole,” I said.

He yelled, “If I ever find out who you are?”

“You’ll what?” I said.

“I’ll kick your ass,” he exclaimed.

I answered, “Well, here’s your chance. I’m coming over right now.”

Then I hung up and immediately called the police,saying that I lived at 1802
West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 13 News about the gang war going down on West 34th
Street.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th Street.

There I saw two a$$holes beating the crap out of each other in front of six
squad cars, a police helicopter, and news crew.

NOW, I feel better.

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